A Seto Monologue
by Le Ginamal
Summary: Songfic: I got inspired reading and listening to the lyrics of My Chemical Romance : "I'm Not Okay  I Promise " so decided to let that ever so elusive inspiration out in this. Using that song, of course, and Seto Kaiba's pent up angst towards Jou, mostly


_Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.  
I never want to let you down or have you go, its better off this way.  
_

Oh, Joey, must you look at me that way? All I ever wanted was to keep you at a safe distance, even if neither you nor I really realized that at the time. I've realized that now, but you probably never will, not the way you're seeing me now, at the very least. I'd tell you if you wanted to know; tell you everything. I realize now why you always bothered me, why you never seemed to give up. You saw a connection between us, and I have to admit, there are quite a few: our love for our siblings above all else, our rather dismal childhoods, having to grow up fast. You just ended up acting so differently, but you grew up with different expectations put upon your shoulders, and friends that taught you how to love properly, and be able to show it. Maybe I should just write this all down... but I'd never have the courage to give it to you, I don't think. And it would be kind of an inappropriate thing to do now that you're leaving. Probably not good, you've chosen Him, after all. And why wouldn't you? I wouldn't stay here either, if I were you. Not with the way I am. God, Mokuba, he's going to leave too, isn't he? If not now, he will...eventually.

_For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took,  
Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?  
_

Maybe I'll never show it, but I do care. I hate how He looks at me. Does He look at you the same way, in private? I hope not, for your sake. How's your ankle doing? It's winter again, it always bothers you more in winter...

_I'm not okay  
I'm not okay  
I'm not okay  
You wear me out  
_

What am I going to do with this weight of you in my chest? It makes it hard to breath sometimes, and it aches at night, especially when Mokuba's spending time at one of his friends' during the evenings.

_What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?  
(I'm not okay)  
_

I miss you. I couldn't care less about all this damned money, you know. It was all to get Mokuba out of there; it's how it all originated. I never wanted all these millions, trillions, whatever. It's all that's left of Gozaburo's empire, and I hate it—just a bit. He didn't ever like either of us, I don't think, and maybe it shows, more with me, I was more exposed. Perhaps that's why I try to shove people away, I don't want to affect them like he's affected me... I don't want to smother people.

_I've told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means  
(I'm not okay)  
_

No, you really don't understand. How could you? Do you understand them, even when I know _I _don't? I don't understand all the deeper meanings of that four letter word, but you seem to use it like you know all about it. I get the feeling that you're taking it out of context, from what I know. It's such a diverse word, so many meanings behind it, so many different feelings. A feeling for friends, a feeling for family, for pets, and objects, and maybe a different one for lovers—maybe they get two: requited and unrequited. But maybe the unrequited love is just an illness of the heart. I wish you were a doctor. But you're not very perceptive; maybe you wouldn't pick up on it, even if you were that sort of doctor.

_To be a joke and look, another line without a hook  
I held you close as we both shook, for the last time—take a good hard look!  
_

I think I'll have to leave; Mokuba needs a place to live, and this is as good as any. Yes, and it would be so much easier for me to leave. After all, he's got friends here, I haven't. So I should go, to make it all easier. I can always come and visit. Maybe I don't even need to leave the property—it is quite extensive. I could just build a small thing on the edge, with a kitchen, and a bedroom and bathroom. Then I could just have a nice walk to work every day and eat meals with Mokuba, but stay out of his hair. I feel so in the way. God, no wonder that gypsy woman called me an old man! I certainly feel like one sometimes, and sound like one, too. Ah, what am I ever going to do with myself? I'm so indecisive. Maybe I am human, resisting change. But it's for the best, at least it should be. I won't be far, just where I should be.

_I'm not okay  
I'm not okay  
I'm not okay  
You wear me out  
_

I wish you would just stop talking to me. More than that, I wish you'd leave me in peace! Quit trying to fit me into a place that I don't belong. The puzzle piece called Seto does not fit into any of the small holes of the puzzle of Yugi & Co. The Seto piece doesn't even fit into his own life, sometimes I hardly feel right in my own clothes. It just seems wrong somehow that I'm here.

_Forget about the dirty looks  
The photographs your boyfriend took  
You said you read me like a book, but the pages all are torn and frayed, now!  
_

Maybe if I got amnesia...but then you'd probably try even harder. 'Oh, look, a blank slate, lets write on it' you'd all say, 'it just looks like him, we can make him however we want—maybe even to like girls!' Oh, lord, I can't imagine what you'd say if you and your friends knew I liked you. You'd all probably shove me onto the gay wagon and not accept that I just don't particularly care about gender or anything. I can hear one of you saying that all the combatant energy toward you and Yugi was just denial and then your other friend will be upset, and He'll just shrug it off, and act offensively towards you, like he always does when He thinks I'm not looking. I think He's the only one who's really figured any part of me out, out of your group. If you like them smart, why didn't you just say something?

_I'm okay  
I'm okay!  
I'm okay, now  
(I'm okay, now)  
_

LEAVE ME ALONE! I can't get over your unknowing rejection if you don't. I must be so good at hiding it. Why do you keep returning? Haven't you gotten all you want—do you still need to torment me? Why?

_But you really need to listen to me  
Because I'm telling you the truth_

He's bad news. But you'll never listen. I can see it in his eyes. And then this hell is going to start all over again, isn't it? But you still won't see. I'll be the quiet one in the library all over again. Never worth more than a glance at a time.

_I mean it, I'm okay!  
(Trust Me)_

Just go. I know you're trying to looking out for me. Am I scaring you or something? I really didn't think it that strange that I should seclude myself, or look a bit ill on occasion. Maybe it's rooted into all of your heads that I'm not really human? Well, I am, and you should just leave me be, I'm trying to deal with my humanity, too. It's hard. I never imagined how difficult this sudden change could be! Sarcasm? NO, not me. Never.

_I'm not okay  
I'm not okay  
Well, I'm not okay_

Yea, well you don't seem to be doing too hot yourself recently. You can't hide it from me. I'm the master of hiding and hording emotion. Dr. Spock wouldn't even know what to do with me. So tell me, what's that mark on your waist?

_I'm not o-fucking-kay  
_

And you're worse off than I am, so quit telling me you're not. Come back, get away from Him, you're always welcome, when did I not make this clear enough? Your friends seemed to understand it alright; Mokuba's been talking about you a lot, and asked if it would be okay for you to come back. I told him yes, and he looked strangely relieved. He got fidgety afterwards, so I told him I was going to work, which he took as an invitation to leave. So what kind of trouble did you get into this time? ...Oh, that bastards gonna pay; where's my goddamn phone?

_I'm not okay  
I'm not okay  
(Okay)_

And it seems okay, 'cause maybe there's always a second chance. Or maybe a first; and maybe you'll realize...that that's what this is this time. I can only hope. It feels so much better to know you're safe.


End file.
